Last session we talked through extending our sessions to allow for some further work. Chris graciously agreed to put in a request for some more, though I heard loud and clear there was a limit to the time we could work together.
I know part me desperately wanted to hear him say he would stick with it until we were done, no matter how long it took. I wanted that so much, mostly because I am so bloody scared of being “half baked” of reaching a point of semi conclusion. But honestly, pretty sure part of me just wanted to hear that someone was willing to stick with me through the hard stuff. It has felt like a very lonely journey carrying all this stuff. I just have to hope when Chris steps away whatever the burden left, I can manage the load again alone.
I might not have heard my wish and I am left a little nervous, however I am setting the extra ten sessions as a final end point, no matter how well “cooked” I am, when we get to the end of the extra ten, even if I think I need more work, I won’t ask. I will have to find another way. I have between now and then to figure out a back up plan or triple my efforts so even though I might not be a decorated cake I feel robust enough to be taken out of the oven without worrying I will sink back to my old ways.
The belief I will not break…
Whilst discussing the future sessions Chris mentioned the risk of dependancy if you remain in therapy for too long. On reflection after the session I realised Chris just suggesting that put the fear of God into me. I have never (and I have thought about this long and hard), I mean never depended on anyone. I am so independent it is extreme.
I realised even in the session as soon as he said this I found myself pulling away, I couldn’t look at him and whilst we talked through a recent issue in my usual unhelpful vague context I was somewhere else. I was planning my escape.
I started the session desperate for more support I left the session convincing myself of all the reasons now was a good time to stop. To take back my power and walk away.
When I dropped Chris an email the next day I had recognised how extreme my internal response to the suggestion of dependance had been and I had backed myself away from the ledge. Noticing the extreme power of my belief I was starting to try and challenge my thinking…maybe I should be more dependant on someone?
However I have had more time to think about it and this is a rule I don’t want to soften. Now I appreciate this is a strong view but I actually think people who depend on others are foolish. Bear with me on this.
I can love someone, enjoy it when they are there for me, value their kindness, offer back my own without depending on them. I mean I can’t even depend on Stephen to take out the rubbish every night. Why would I depend on him for my happiness or success. I can share mine with him but it is on me. And how foolish would it be of me to think a single other human being could be everything I need all of the time.
In the end I think we can only ever depend on ourselves and so many people struggle because they hoped for something more.
So that’s it my belief is staying and I won’t try to change it. I don’t want to depend on anyone. I like feeling that I own my path and the journey along it.
So I don’t think I am at risk of finding myself depending on therapy or Chris. Or anyone else for that matter and I am good with that.
It’s nice to find something solid.
I must admit whilst challenging many of my beliefs and behaviours it has felt like quick sand under my feet. So much is shifting it is nice to find one part of me that feels solid and sure. A core that I don’t want to change.
I recognise sometimes my lack of dependance means it takes me longer to get somewhere or makes the journey a little harder alone, but I get there. And I appreciate my independence might not do me any favours in building deep relationships but I find them, and maybe it frustrates others, but the ones that count, love me all the same.
And I am happy for others to depend on me. I recognise I won’t always get it right but who does? I will try and I know my strength in how far I am willing to go to keep trying.
I think I am going to create some more homework for myself. I need to define my edges a little more understand where they have changed and how. I want a more tangible stable sense of self again and I think analysing where the sands have shifted might give me that.
I have a count down an absolute end to the therapy with Chris. Now I better figure out where the hell I want to be and if I don’t get there what the hell I will do about it.