Sooner or later I am going to realise there is no value in getting myself wound up about expectations of a conversation because sometimes we end up on a totally different tangent. Today was one of those days. We sign posted last week that we would use the time today to discuss a little about my relationship with dad. I have definitely been preparing myself for that conversation but as it sometimes does we began with a check in at the start of the call and then took a very different tangent.
I sign posted to Chris that I was finding it a little difficult to deal with all the emotions currently bubbling up. I felt awful that I was snapping at stephen occasionally without any just cause and I have been so much more distant and detached than I normally am. Interesting I am distant and detached on the outside and more in-tune internally than ever before. Previously I was the other way around to the outside world I appeared fine inside I totally detached and distant.
I am finding lots of things which never bothered me before are now triggering an emotional reaction. Little things like walking past the spot that we had a lovely picnic with mum makes me feel sad, or walking past my dads old house makes me feel anxious.
It’s not all bad. I have had so many moments of pure joy watching the girls play together, listening to Lillian talk my ear off about school, admiring Gwen in all her determination and courage. Happy emotions have been popping up more often too.
So I can’t say all the emotions have been helpful or welcome but I understand I can’t have one without the other and I am hopeful I will reach a point where they feel natural and manageable. I need to remind myself it is normal to feel a little sad when reminded of a happy memory in relation to someone who’s gone. It is normal to snap at someone if you think they are making a joke about something which you actually find upsetting. (Even if they are not, sorry Stephen).
From discussion with Chris we agreed that the approach at the moment was just to continue to observe, be aware of the emotion notice how I think and feel at the time. After the session I asked Stephen how he deals with his emotions. He said they just come and go he does not actively do anything. I wonder if the desire I have to manage them or do something with them is just a symptom of my inexperience of them.
We then got onto some other conversations and landed with a discussion once again challenging some deep seated beliefs. We exposed the fact that when it comes to the bad events of my life I blame myself, but when it comes to the good things it was nothing to do with me. I know right seams like an obvious conflict. How can you be responsible for one and not the other. Until I had spoken with Chris I was not really aware that this stark contrast existed but exist it does. So now after the session I have come up with my own homework. I am trying to write down all the things I can think of which I did and have contributed to my “To good to be true” existence. this is what I have so far…
Do you know I never viewed myself as someone who was negative before, I always look for the silver lining, the light in the dark. And in relation to the world that is true. However when it comes down to me and how I view myself there is definitely some learning I need to do.
I wonder what things in your life are you grateful for and what part did you play in creating them? I bet you never think about just how amazing you are.