Scared to talk, but desperate not to be afraid.

Fear is a strange thing. Sometimes it is based in fact, things we fear and we know we have to do, like public speaking. Sometimes it is based on experience, something bad has happened before and we worry it will happen again like a failed exam. Sometimes there is no logic or reason for it.

As I sit here worrying about a conversation that I am deciding to have, which could be really easy and go really well, I find myself afraid.

Fear is a lonely feeling.

Afraid I won’t sleep tonight, afraid I will sleep and the nightmares will find me, afraid I am choosing to open a can of worms best left tightly shut.

My goal truly is now to learn to live without fear, but try as I might no amount of positive self speak is masking the screams, no amount of positive thinking is overcoming the worry.

I have made it this far fairly well what if this conversation, what if this is the thing that breaks me, what if I am undone. What if I choose to do this and I choose wrong. Do I really need to go there, can’t I just cram all those dark days into a neat suitcase apply a solid padlock and throw away the key.

I know the answer, I could. I could choose to turn away again, I can choose to live with the bad sleep. I can decide that the fear of something going wrong is manageable, I can accept my little quirks and move on.

But what if… what if I do this and I can sleep so much better, what if I don’t have to be haunted by nightmares, what if I can learn to live a life not afraid that has to be worth the risk right?

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