Any of you who have been with me for a while will know, like many of us I have a somewhat colourful past. I probably had a less than average start in life, although I always hesitate to say that, as some things in my childhood were awesome and some people in the world might have wished to have my life, regardless of how hard I found it at times.
I managed to survive living at home in those early years, though the threat to life was very real and the damage and struggles around me almost constant. I found the moments of happiness and clung to them like a pocket of air in the vast consuming void.
I lived a life in contrast to my friends, they worried if they would be allowed out to play after school, I worried if my mum would still be there when I got home, or if my sister and I would make it through the night.
Still I managed to find my moments of happiness and fondly remember road trips with my auntie and stew every Tuesday at my Nans.
Once I left home and got placed in foster care I had new fears. Afraid of upsetting my fostered siblings, afraid of being placed in a different home, hearing stories from the children that came and went of the harsh realities of many foster kids.
I won’t bore you with a continued catalogue of all the torturous events after. Suffice to say I don’t think life has really fully settled into normal since.
Regardless of all this crap I once prided myself on the fact that I refused to let me past impact my present. That I would not become someone that was stuck with the baggage. That I would find and even force my own happiness and path in the world.
And for years it worked well enough. I was not one of the many foster kids who I know to well failed to let go of their beginning and became stuck in a love less world. I forged my way out, I found employment, opportunities and eventually love. I know so many foster kids from the days I was there who are now stuck on benefits and in a system that encourages an unhealthy Co-dependence.
For years I have stated to others they need to do the same, let the past go. Live in the now. Be free to live your best life.
I was a fraud!
I have recently been gratefully receiving some support from an amazing Psychologist. I went to him in an attempt to try and tackle my on-going sleep problems, that and honestly back in July when I decided I had no other choice I was in a bad place. At least a bad place for me.
What I have discovered is far from what I expected.
I have learnt I live my life in fear. I am constantly afraid. Afraid of the next disaster yet to form, afraid of not being a good enough parent, of failing to do the right thing, afraid of letting my friends down and losing them, afraid of not doing a great job in work and loosing the house. Afraid of making the wrong decisions, hell, I am probably afraid of making the right decisions.
I have no doubt that the fear is part of the issue with my sleep. Probably unsurprisingly given a few of those early years I spent scared to go to sleep in case something terrible happened in the night.
The challenge now is to get rid of the fear, to find a way to let it go. That feels like a really tricky task. The fear has kept me safe, the fear has allowed me to achieve so much in my life. It is such a big part of who I am. Who will I be without it?
Dam I have just realised writing this blog I am afraid of letting go of the fear. How self for filling.
I suppose one thing is for sure without fear there is no courage. If I lived my of my life in fear I must have a store of courage I can tap into. Maybe that will help.
And perhaps it is a sign from the universe that I should immediately stumble across this article https://happiful.com/the-art-of-letting-go/ it certainly inspires you to notice that niggling feeling you want to change, even if I am a none the wiser about where to go and how to get there.